The Pinocchio Phenomenon

pinocchio

I slept with a married man this weekend, but I didn’t know it until 36 hours later. I was tossing and turning in bed trying to fall asleep, but something slightly ‘off’ about the encounter was keeping me awake. I was counting sheep (quite literally) when I connected the dots. I tore my sheets off, sprang out of bed, and paced around my bedroom while biting my nails and boiling with rage. I grabbed my phone and text my girlfriend:

OMG.

I’m so stupid. It just dawned on me.

He’s fucking married.

He’s not a goddamn teacher. The weird little key chain he had was made by his kids.

angry-emoji

That dirty mf spent the night in my bed, and then went home to his family…as if nothing ever happened. He probably ducked into the shower before kissing his wife or hugging his children. Is infidelity that easy to wash off?

My girlfriend replied:

I ALREADY SAID THATTTTT

DUHHHH

I am not surprised that he lied.

Or that he’s married.

Sounds like he had that shit rehearsed.

Or prepared.

If you can recall, my first post for this blog pertained to “why I’m single.” AND THIS IS FUCKING WHY. While I know I can’t generalize all men as lying, cheating, no-good scoundrels, I’ve encountered enough of said lying-cheating-no-good-scoundrels in my life to make me never, ever want to commit to someone. STOP RIGHT THERE. I know what you’re thinking: I’m the one with some sort of commitment phobia. And you would be right. I already know that’s a quality of mine, and that’s exactly why I’m not into monogamy. I’m self-aware enough to realize that I will most likely cheat on you. And it has nothing to do with whether or not I “love” you; it has everything to do with the fact that I’m human, and I’m absolute shit when it comes to denying impulses. Whether it’s picking up a cigarette after I’ve “quit,” or roasting the broomstick of a dude that’s not my old man…IMMA DO IT AND IMMA LOVE IT. I can still love you and want to fuck that dude with a jawline for days that my hip ‘accidentally’ brushed against at the bar. OOPS. But that’s not the point of this piece. Oh, I also need to add a disclaimer: I didn’t meet this guy on Tinder; I met him the good ol’ fashion way…at midnight in a dingy bar after several rounds of scotch. I was actually flirting up another dude when I walked away to get a drink and was approached by the married dude I ended up taking home. I was seduced by his forwardness. Which, within a couple days, I’d grow to resent. That dirty mf came with a game plan. Him ending up in my bed wasn’t a mistake. It wasn’t a drunken, lustful error in judgment. He came out that night with every intention of using the Magnum condom stuffed into his back pocket (and yes, that sentence clearly is a double-entendre: while I’m pointing out the golden-wrapped indicator of his intentions, I am also bragging that I finally cured my dry-spell with a dude who had a wang of the gods).

percentage

So, according to expandedramblings.com, 46% of Tinder users are not single. Although we don’t know what exactly defines being “single,” I think we can safely deduce that you’re either A) married or B) in some sort of ‘committed’ relationship. With an average of 50 million users (as of 3/2/2015), that makes around 23 million of those users “not single.” If I had a dollar for every dude I came across on Tinder that I knew was either married, or engaged, or in a “serious” relationship, I’d be a millionaire. That may be a slight exaggeration, but I think you’re pickin’ up what I’m layin’ down. I love it when I’m also friends with the dudes I see on Tinder on Facebook, and he and/or his wife/fiance/girlfriend upload pics of them kissing or staring dreamily into each other’s eyes with hashtags like “love” and “lucky” and “soulmate” and “forever.” OH MY FUCKING GOD, GAG ME. Have you ever pondered the notion that your need to validate your relationship on social media is just that? A form of validation. All the lovey-dovey cockamamy may seem like a justified declaration of undying love, but all you’re really doing is exploiting your own fears and insecurities. PLEASE KEEP THAT SHIT TO YOURSELF.

facebizzle

I need to pivot on my pivot and ask two questions:

  1. Why do couples constantly post weird ass pictures of them kissing? Or holding hands? Or staring dreamily into each other’s eyes? Do you not realize how posed and awkward and utterly stupid you look?! AND WHY DO YOU PAY SOMEONE TO TAKE THESE PHOTOS FOR YOU? Do you really need a professional photographer to snap pics of you swapping spit? No one wants to see an album of your commingled hands in the shape of a heart. No one wants to see an album of you in a sensual embrace on a bridge in your local park. No one wants to see a closeup of your EVERY KISS BEGINS WITH KAY BLOOD DIAMOND.
  2. Why do people use hashtags on Facebook? THEY DON’T DO ANYTHING.

Me and my girlfriends take screenshots of these lying, cheating, no-good scoundrels and send them to each other as a reminder of all the bullshit we don’t have to deal with. The six years I’ve been single have been my glory days. There’s only been two occasions where a dude and I have had the discussion of exclusivity, and I cheated on the first one (and I did actually love him), and then dumped the second one (the damn fool wasn’t even faithful on his end). Since then, I’ve been able to admit to myself that I JUST CAN’T DO formal relationships. I love the passion and lust and vitality of one-night stands. They’re much more poetic than the pleonastic prose of marriage. And thankfully, my self-esteem is not relationship-contingent. It’s taken me a lot of self-care to get to this point, but it’s been invaluable. When it’s just me, myself, and I, I’m able to maintain a content homeostasis. Can you say the same about your long-term, monogamous relationship?

Don’t be a scumbag and cheat on your partner. If you make a commitment, stick to it. Take accountability for your actions. Have a little more empathy. BE A GOOD HUMAN. I may have been complicit in pulling an all night “fuck fest”–those were his words, not mine–but I was not complicit in his duplicity.

I guess my point is, or rather, what I’d like you to take away from this: why, as a culture, do we insist on institutions like monogamy and marriage when our infidelity rates are through the roof?

Below is an excerpt from an NPR article, published shortly after hackers were able to gain unauthorized access of Ashley Madison’s (probably the most notorious “adultery” site) member profile in 2015.

npr

“A 2011 study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found about 1 in 5 of the thousand people in heterosexual couples they interviewed had cheated.” And that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Those numbers don’t include “emotional” infidelity.

Advertisements

One thought on “The Pinocchio Phenomenon

  1. That statistic is really scary. The funny thing is, once people leave a relationship, within the next 24 hours, they’re on Tinder. I know people that are in a relationship but just on Tinder “for fun.” When in actuality, they’re probably just exploring their options with other people, which is something you shouldn’t even think about if you’re in a relationship.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s