You can now get Xzibit to pimp your Tinder profile*

*This is absolute baloney; Xzibit in no way, shape, or form pimps Tinder profiles, and mainly because Xzibit isn’t relevant anymore (but in the face of adversity, we must ask ourselves, Was Xzibit ever really relevant?)

However, not all of that sentence was a lie. There is an actual company in existance that will “help you meet amazing people” on Tinder, and it’s called TinderUs. A TinderUs consultation will set you back $50, but according to Business Insider, “This $50 Service Will Set Your Tinder Game On Fire.” Screw being self-aware, let’s pay someone to make us *look* cool! Woo-to the motherfucking-Hoo! Ladies, rejoice! No more dudes giving a shit-eating grin and thumbs up whilst kneeling against a dead, bloody deer with it’s tongue hanging sideways out its mouth! No more dudes giving a shit-eating grin and thumbs up whilst holding the fishing pole they just used to catch a reasonable-sized fish. Not too big. Not too small. Reasonable. No more dudes holding an assault rifle whilst shooting at a defenseless, foam Bambi. No more dudes taking blurry shirtless pics in bathroom mirrors! No more pictures of douchey dudes standing next to their equally douchey muscle car (like a Ford Mustang, for example), or ginormous truck that you have to run and jump into because it also has a douchey lift kit! And, if the truck is a Chevy, you bet your ass there’s a decal of Calvin pissing on a Ford (and vice versa)! WE GET IT! YOU ARE SOOOOOO MACHO! An unappealing nudnik…but WOOOOOO!, SOOOOOO MACHO! Karl Marx ain’t got shit on you!

Or, if you’re really down on your luck, you can spend another fifty smackaroos for a TinderUs Plus+ (TinderUs-Plus-Plus?! Jesus Tap-dancing Christ, does your VP of marketing suffer from Palilalia?) consultation, and have them review your matches, too! Better yet, why don’t we just hire someone to go on the date for us! Let’s make dating even easier by not even dating at all!


But really, TinderUs, as an educated, self-aware woman, I have a hard enough time weeding out the assholes and idiots, don’t dupe me with fluffed up profiles. I want to know just how terrible they are…BEFORE I SWIPE RIGHT AND WASTE MY TIME SHAVING MY ENTIRE BODY BEFORE A FIRST DATE. David Buss, author of The Evolution of Human Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, agrees with me in an article written for Vice:

A pretty sound prediction is that college-educated women will find it increasingly difficult to find good mates…This is because of a confluence of factors: higher and higher percentages of women compared to men are getting educated, and because women have strong preferences not to ‘mate down,’ their pool consists of [less and less] educated, intelligent, stable-income guys.

You hear that? I’m going to be single forever.


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